My friend's cousin

When I think of my history of best friends, I think of the movie Titanic.  There is a part of the movie where the old lady is talking about her love life.  She says, “a woman has many lovers in her lifetime.”  This may not be the exact wording of what she said, but you get the point.  I have had many best friends in my lifetime, starting in my childhood. In my childhood, my best friends were White.  Moving into middle and high school, some of my closest friends were diverse, but it has only been in adulthood that I can say I have Black best friends.

Anyway, when I was 10 my best friend left the school we attended together.  She returned to her neighborhood school (which was on the “good” side of town *eyeroll*), but what I remember was how nasty her classmates were to her. We remained friends, and I would sometimes attend school dances and events with her and I would stick up for her with snarky retorts when others made fun of her.  This was cathartic for me, as I was never able to think of these witty retorts when I was being teased myself by my classmates. Sticking up for her was the first step in sticking up for myself. 

We remained friends throughout the rest of elementary and middle and high school. One day, I accompanied her family to an affluent Chicago suburb to go to her cousin’s house for some event.  At this point, I don’t remember what the event was.. It was either a birthday party or graduation party.  I remember seeing her cousins, 3 girls and thinking I had nothing in common with them.  The oldest of the 3 sisters was the same age as my friend and me.  I was the only person of color there if I remember correctly.  I felt self-conscious, but not because being the only Black person at an event.  I was hyper aware of how they might view me.  As the sole representative of “the Black delegation,” I didn’t want to send the wrong message.  I felt the crippling pressure that I may be the only data point that they may have to make any decisions or opinions about Blackness. In my mind, I had already written off those 3 girls.  I felt like they would surely grow up and uphold the status quo of white supremacy and cluelessness.  White America’s favorite cocktail….

I hadn’t thought much about it. Life went on.  I graduated from high school and went onto college at Illinois State University.  One day, I was in the food court at Watterson Towers when I recognized someone.  It was the oldest of the 3 cousins.  I was certain it was her, and immediately took a step in her direction to say hi.  Then I doubted myself and stood there.  After (too) much deliberation, I finally approached her and said, “Hi, you might not remember me.. I’m your cousin’s friend.  Anyway, just wanted to say hi.”   She returned my greeting and that was it.  I immediately played the interaction over and over in my head… “Ugh! You’re so awkward.. Why did you even say hello?  I bet she didn’t even know who you were. I wonder if she felt threatened when you approached her..”  I was aware of how uncomfortable the whole interaction made me.  I somehow felt like yet again, I had blown my chance to be a great Black for her.. I have no idea what this even means, but I felt like I had blown some opportunity somehow.

Eventually the cousin and I became casual Facebook friends.  I would exchange a monthly “Rabbit, rabbit white rabbit”greeting the first day of each month (I still don’t know what it means, but it came up in conversation a few times).  She moved to California and got married. Life has continued moving forward.  Fast forward to present day.  Recent events have ignited the United States.  We have been set ablaze literally and figuratively.  Many POC began speaking more loudly about police brutality and racism.  But what has surprised me is the White people who have stepped up to the plate to dismantle white supremacy one post and one family member at a time.  Although I don’t feel the need to “pat White people on the back” for doing the right thing, this awakening is something I never thought I would see in my lifetime.  White people are waking up.  Some unlikely White people are waking up.  Kids from my mostly-white Gifted program elementary school classes are fighting to protect Black and Brown lives. It is unexpectedly refreshing. One of the most refreshing sights has been seeing the cousin of my friend using her voice to advocate and protect the marginalized.  It is so rejuvenating because I had completely written her little family off in my head.  I thought like many midwesterners, she would choose the salty and bland over the spicy and uncomfortable.  I was certain she would choose comfort over truth.  And I was wrong.  

To you Donelle, I see you, salute you and thank you for being here in the fight.

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